Thursday, October 26, 2006

The Good Husband's Guide

Since we all had the pleasure of reading The Good Wife's Guide, I created the male version to match it. I'm not brave enough like Cindy to announce that I can use a wife, I'll settle with a husband for now.

The Good Husband's Guide (Copyright 2006)

1. Be home on time for dinner. If your wife says dinner at 6, be sure you arrange your day so you are ready to sit down at dinner table prior to that. If you are late, apologize ahead of time, and explain how such thing will not happen again.

2. Your wife probably took great care to plan ahead for this delicious and healthy meal. Show your appreciation. Thank her for making your favorite dish. Thank her for thinking in your best interest to make you a healthy meal.

3. Prepare yourself. Use your commute time to rest up so you are refreshed upon arriving home. Fix up your suit so every button and zipper is in the right place. You’ve been with a lot of work-weary people, don’t bring them home.

4. Be pleasant and show your happiness to be home. Pay attention to her, notice how she looks (does she have your favorite sweater on? That must be to please you.) and ask her about her day. Show support for her ideas and opinions, after all there are lots of idiots in the world and she might have encountered a couple in the day. It is your duty to protect her from everything bad and ugly.

5. Clear away the clutter. To start off, don’t leave any clutter around. If your wife has cleaned the house, show your appreciation for her effort by offering to hire a maid.

6. Children and dogs tend to leave messes around, be sure to pick up after them. Run you hand on table and counters and make sure the spilled juice is wiped up. Supervise the children to clean up after themselves when they are old enough. Their future wives will appreciate that.

7. Know your wife’s preferred temperature, and make sure the house is not too cold in the winter or too hot in the summer. This may require an understanding of the operation of a thermometer, take pains to learn to use it. After all, a comfortable wife is a happy wife.

8. Take care of the children. Make sure their hands are washed, teeth are brushed, hair is combed. Keep track of doctor’s visits. Maintain a good supply of seasonal clothing for children so they are not running around in high water pants and bring shame to your family.

9. Minimized noises. Take pains to set dishes and pots and pans down carefully so as they don’t knock around each other as if an earthquake has occurred.

10. Listen to your wife. You might have a dozen important things to tell her, but the moment of arrival is not the time. Let her talk first – remember, her topics of conversation are more important than yours, especially if they concern your children.

11. Make the evening hers. Never complain if dinner is late, instead do your share of the work and make her her favorite dish. Wish her a good time if she goes out for entertainment.

12. Your goal: make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your family can relax and connect.

13. Hold the complains and solve the problems.

14. Make her a comfortable spot in the living room with her favorite books, perfect lighting the way she likes and a cup of her favorite tea. Offer her a massage with the sole purpose of helping her relax.

15. Learn to make the bed her way. Remember how she likes her pillow and cover arranged. Learn when and how to change sheets. Try to understand the science of laundry.

16. Don’t question her actions or judgment. Believe in her. Remember, she’s the lady of the house and will always be fair and truthful. You have no right to question her.

17. A good husband knows his place – his home.


Cindy said...

LOVE IT! This is hilarious! One more:

The mornings can be hectic. Help your wife get the children dressed and fed. You can do this even when your wife isn't deathly ill with a fever of 103. This will start her day off right! To give her an extra bonus - you can even make the coffee! Nothing says "I love you" like dressed kids and a piping cup of hot coffee.

Larissa said...

Vivian, I think your list is wonderful! Definitely preferable to the silly Good Wife guide.

Zelda said...

Two words. Hil. Arious.

How about one more:

Make an effort to know the lay of the land in your home. Its your home, don't act like a visitor. Don't ask your wife, "Ummmm, where do we keep the milk again?" Your wife has spent her whole day finding all of the things you have left in the wrong place. She is mad at you. Find the milk yourself and shut up already.

In his defense, he does bring me coffee in the morning.

Lesley said...

My fav has to be the one about the foot message. Specifying the act as one of relaxation for her. Not a prelude to sex for him.

Lynn said...

LOVE it!! It takes two to make a marriage work and a home to run smoothly.

Cruz said...

Ok I will agree with most of the things on here but not all of them. I agree that a home and the children are a two way responsibility. But if the woman doesn't work then its more of hers. And even at that the man should still help. Even if its just by not making a mess.

Anonymous said...

Why are all you women on the internet and not in the kitchen?

Anonymous said...

Above comment = top draw #banter. And is a very valid question...